ONCE UPON A MATTRESS SCRIPTS FOR AUDITIONS

Scripts for auditionings   You can download them from this link and print them off or read them below: They do not have to be memorized, but be familiar enough with them so you can interact with your scene partners.

 

Queen:             Com along, darling, don’t dawdle. Pick up your feet for heaven’s sake.

 

Dauntless:       Yes, Mama. Mama, when am I going to get my princess?

 

Queen:             Dauntless, I don’t want to discuss that now. It’s time for your cocoa.

 

Dauntless:       But Mama, sometimes I get the funniest feeling that you don’t want me to get married.

 

Queen:             Don’t want you to get married? Dauntless, don’t you trust me?

 

Dauntless:       Of course, Mama, but…

 

Queen:             I want you to get married? How many times have I said to you, “I want you to get married”? Only this morning I was saying to your father, I said, “I want that boy to get married.” But, of course, she has to be a princess. I mean a real, genuine, bona fide princess, just as I was. That’s what you really want, isn’t it? Someone like me? Of course you do.

 

Harry:              Your Majesty – (to queen)  Your Highness (to Dauntless)

 

Dauntless:       Hello, Harry.

 

Queen:             Don’t interrupt! (To Dauntless)  Well? (To Harry)

 

Harry:              Madame, I have the honor to request a Perilous Labor. I wish to search for a true princess, a princess of the Royal Blood; one who will suit both Your Majesty and Prince Dauntless.

 

Queen:             No!

 

Dauntless:       Mama!

 

Queen:             No, no, no! We’ve been through all the eligible girls in all the neighboring kingdoms. There are none left. We simply have to wait until their little sisters have grown up, and that’ll take years.

 

Harry:              But Madame, I plan to head north, over the mountains…

 

Queen:             Over the mountains?

 

Harry:              …Across the Badlands.

 

Queen:             Across the Badlands?

 

Harry:              …And into the marshland where the beautiful swamp lily grows.

Queen:             Into the marshland? Are you out of your mind?

 

Dauntless:       Let him go, Mama, let him go!

 

Queen:             You won’t find anything there but frogs and tadpoles and things.

 

Dauntless:       Please, Mama!

 

Queen:             Quiet! Do you know how damp and foggy and humid and oppressive…

 

Dauntless:       mama, let Sir Harry try! Please. For me, Mama? Please!

 

Queen:             Oh, all right- go ahead. It’s your sinus.

 

Dauntless:       Hooray!

 

Queen:             Come along, Dauntless. You’ve missed your cocoa.

 

Dauntless:       Good luck, Harry!

 

Minstrel:          Sir Harry’s perilous journey took three weeks and Lady Larken had all but given up hope that he would find a true princess.

 

Jester:              Then, one sunny morning, the lookout in the north tower spied two distant figures approaching at full gallop. The word was spread.

 

Minstrel:          “Sir Harry is back!” “Sir Harry is back with the new princes!”

 

Jester:              No let’s see, how does this part go in the old story?

 

Minstrel & Jester:

On a stormy night to the castle door

Came the lass the prince had been waiting for.

“I’m a princess lost,” quoth she.

 

Minstrel:          That, of course, is utterly untrue.

 

Jester:              It didn’t storm that night at all. In fact it wasn’t even night.

 

Minstrel:          And the princess only looked as though she’d been through a storm.

 

Winnifred:       Actually, I swam the moat. But never mind. If I just stand right here, there’s a nice draft. I’ll be dry in no time.

 

Queen:             You swam the moat?

 

1st Knight:       We tried to stop her but she wouldn’t wait for the drawbridge.

 

Queen:             you swam the moat?

 

Winnifred:       All right, I was a little anxious. My friend, Sir Harry, told me you had an opening for a princess and I figured, “The early bird catches the worm.” Anyway, here I am. So – who’s the lucky man?

 

Queen:             You swam the moat?

 

Winnifred:       Does she ever say anything else except, “You swam the moat?”

 

Queen:             Do you mean to ask me to believe that you’re a true princess of the royal blood, and am I to actually understand that you have the nerve and the gall to apply for my son’s hand in marriage?!

 

Dauntless:       Mama, may I say something?

 

Queen:             No!

 

Winnifred:       You’re the one, I guess.

 

Dauntless:       Sure, I’m Prince Dauntless the Drab.

 

Winnifred:       Well, glad to have met you. (turns to exit)

 

Dauntless:       No, please don’t go.  I like you. Everybody does.  Well, almost everybody.

 

Winnifred:       Dauntless, I’d like to stay here, but I wouldn’t want to come between you and your mother. So I guess I’ll just face the facts, cut my losses, and head back to the swamps.

 

Dauntless:       Can I marry her, Mama, can I?

 

Queen:             Of course not! When you marry, if you marry, you’ll marry a real princess.

 

Harry:              Ah, but she is, Your Majesty.

 

Winnifred:       Hi ya Harry!

 

Harry:              Your Highness.

 

Queen:             What?!

 

Wizard:           That one? You jest.

 

Harry:              I have her papers right here! “Winnifred, Princess of Icolmkill, Guardian of the Midgard Serpent and Warden of the Ragnorok Marsh Lily.” The inscription on her family crest reads: “Tu n cede malis sed contra audentioir ito”

 

Queen:             What does that mean?

 

Harry:              Uh…..roughly it means, “If at first you don’t succed….”

 

Queen:             Never mind.

 

Dauntless:       You see, she is a princess! At least a test, Mama, for me? Please!

 

Queen:             All right, we’ll test her. The Wizard and I will make up a nice fair test just as we always do and I’ll prove to you that this girl cannot possibly be a princess.  She’ll have her test and she’ll fail just like all the others – fair and square.

 

Winnifred:       What kid of test?

 

Dauntless:       It’s always a secret.

 

Winnifred:       Well, we’ll worry about that later. Right now, I’d better get out of these wet clothes.

 

Dauntless:       May I show you part of the castle on the way to your room?

 

Winnifred:       Sure

 

Dauntless:       You’re awfully nice.

 

Winnifred:       You’re nicer.

 

Dauntless:       And you’re good looking too.

 

Winnifred:       You’re better looking.

 

Dauntless:       Well, you’re a better swimmer.

 

Winnifred:       Welll, it’ll certainly feel good to get into something dry.

 

Jester:              Your ighness, the king as asked to meet the young lady.

 

Dauntless:       Why? He never asked before.

 

Minstrel:          He heard she swam the moat.

 

Winnifred:       Is your father anything like your mother, because if he is…

 

Dauntless:       Oh, no. My father is silent.

 

Winnifred:       I’d love to meet him!

 

King enters)

 

Dauntless:       Papa, this is Princess Winnifred. (Winnifred curtseys as graciously as possible; the King mimes rolling out the red carpet.)

 

Jester:              Your Highness, the king welcomes you – and –

(the King mimes.)

-                                                    he hopes you get one hundred on the test tomorrow.

 

Winnifred:       Well, thanks!

(The King takes off his crown and holds it to his heart)

 

Dauntless:       My father never touches his crown to his heart unless he really means it.

 

Minstrel:          Alas, Madame, the King is mute.

 

Jester:              He’s still under a curse, cast long ago, that says, “The King will never tak until the mouse devours the hawk”

 

Winnifred:       “Until the mouse devours the hawk?” Well, can’t you find a big mouse and a little hawk?

 

Dauntless:       We tried that once but the mouse got scared and ran away, and the hawk bit Daddy.

                        (The King pulls back his collar and shows her the scar.)

 

Winnifred:       Well, just let me get this test under my belt and we’ll figure out something about that curse, don’t you worry. (She shakes his hand enthusiastically) It certainly has been a pleasure meeting His Majesty.

(The King blows her a kiss and exits with the Minstrel and Jester)

                        I certainly do like almost both your parents.

 

Larken:            I’ve never been so humiliated in my life! I thought she was a chambermaid!

 

Harry:              What? Larken, how could yu mistake the princess for a chambermaid?

 

Larken:            How could you mistake that chambermaid for a princess????

 

Harry:              Just because you made a stupid mistake….

 

Larken:            Don’t you dare try to blame it on me. She was on her hand and knees scrubbing the floor!!

 

Harry:              She’s a real lady wherever she was! That’s more that I can say for some people around here.

 

Larken:            I hate you!

 

Harry:              Well, I hate you too!

 

Larken:            Get out!

 

Harry:              Don’t worry, I’m going!

 

Larken:            Don’t bother – I’ll go! Far, far away where you’ll never find me!

 

Harry:              Well, in that case, goodbye!

 

Larken:            Goodbye!

 

Harry:              Goodbye!

 

Larken:            Goodbye!

 

Jester:              My father expected me to follow in his footsteps but then I landed this jester job and…

 

Minstrel:          What’s wrong, Your Majesty?

 

King:               worried

 

Jester:              You’re worried?

 

King:               yes

 

Minstrel:          About what?

 

King:               Lady

 

Jester:              Some lady. Which lady?

 

King:               two syllables

 

Mistrel:            two syllables

 

King:               first syllable

 

Jester:              first syllable

 

King:               bird

 

Minstrel:          Bird – some kind of bird.

 

King:               Yes

 

Jester:              (rattling off the list quickly) Auk, bluebird, catbird, dove, eagle, finch, grouse, hawk, ibis, jay kiwi, lark,…

(the King claps his hands)

 

Minstrel:          Lark! Lady Larkin!

 

King:               Yes, he mimes “small word”

 

Jester:              And

 

King:               knight

 

Minstrel:          A knight?

 

King:               Yes. He holds his hair out from his head.

Jester & Minstrel:        Sir Harry!

 

King:               Yes

 

Jester:              Why are you worried about them?

 

King:               boxing

 

Minstrel:          They’ve had a fight.

 

King:               bird is running away – fingers running like legs)

 

Jester:              Does anyone else know?

 

King:               Sir Harry

 

Minstrel:          Of course! But does anyone else know besides Harry?

 

King:               No – and you must keep the secret,

 

Jester:              Don’t worry. We can keep a secret, but can you?

 

King:               Me? I can’t even talk! Locks his lips and swallows the key.

 

Minstrel:          We know you can’t talk, but you manage to communicate.

 

King:               Yes


Queen:             …And that was the “Test for Sensitivity.” Now don’t pout, Dauntless, dear. Someday we’ll find a true princess for you. Well, isn’t it nice to have everyone here to see what’s her name on her way. We’d better wake up our little slugabug. She should be getting an early start.

 

Winnifred:       37, 428….37, 429…

 

Queen:             37, 429 what?

 

Winnifred:       Sheep. What do you stuff your mattresses with, jousting equipment? That bed ought to be moved down to the torture chamber.

 

Queen:             You didn’t sleep?

 

Winnifred:       I never shut my eyes.

 

Dauntless:       You passed the test! Mama put a pea under twenty mattresses and you felt it and now we can be married.

 

Winnifred:       (A pea under twenty mattress? No wonder I’m black and blue! Dauntless dar, you’d better start looking around for a small kingdom. I’ve got a feeling we aren’t going to want to live with the in-laws. (falls asleep on Dauntless’s shoulder)

 

Dautless:         I’d better take her up to her room.

 

Queen:             Dauntless, wait…

 

Dauntless:       What should I wait for, Mama? She passed the test!

 

Queen:             I said wait!! Now you listen to your mother.  Throughout this heartbreaking business I have never nagged, never interfered, and never expected one solitary word of sympathy…

 

Dauntless:       Shh, Mama, she’s sleeping.

 

Queen:             But I will not stand by…

 

Dauntless:       Mama, quiet!

 

Queen:             I mean, look at her!  I’ve never trusted anyone who had those shifty eyes…

 

Dauntless:       I told you to SHUT UP!!! (Winifred awakes with a start and takes a step back.. The Queen is struck dumb – literally! Her mouth moves but no words come out.)

 

Harry:              Look! The queen can’t talk.

 

King:               I….I….I can!

 

Minstrel:          It happened – The Prophecy!

 

Jester:              The mouse devoured the hawk! The King talks!

 

King:               And I’ve got a lot to say! You asked for it, Aggravain.  From now on when I say hope, I want you to hop. Hop! (And she does as he says)

 

King:               Skip!   Jump!   Hop…Skip!    Jumpt!!!!

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